You Are Your Hair

Through the years my one-of-a-kind advice in this column has undoubtedly helped many readers get ahead in life. Now let’s top everything off by speaking about hair.

At birth, the top of your head may have closely resembled a hard-boiled egg. But before you knew it, a parent whisked you away to Wally’s Whack Shack, where recent barber school graduate Wally Follicle made your hair stand on end as he gleefully cut it all off. Wally beamed with unbridled pride at what he called his special “little boy buzz.” His joy diminished somewhat when he realized that you were a girl.

Now, of course, as junior highers, the proper styling of hair is important to both male and female alike, which you aren’t. So because you are different, my heady advice will be broken down into two sections.

Hair Tips for Guys. The first thing you should do is wash your hair on a regular basis. If you don’t have a regular basis handy (I could not find one even online), you can wash your hair on pretty much anything, but standing in the shower works very well since water is conveniently located overhead.

As for choosing a hairstyle, work with the shape of your head, unless your head is shaped like a traffic cone, which limits your options. For example, let’s say you have a “square” face. Tell your stylist that you want a haircut similar to the one that worked so well for Frankenstein’s monster. A fake bolt through the neck might be a nice touch, though it probably doesn’t meet the Adventist standard of functional jewelry.

Regarding “round” heads, just about any style will work, as long as it covers the entire face. That way, no will know that you have such a round head and laugh themselves into a state of unconsciousness.

Finally, guys, about sideburns. Instead of waiting to grow actual whiskers on your upper cheeks, you will be tempted to grow 1″ x 12″ strips of hair that hang down, one strip on each side of your head. The intent is, of course, to fake people into thinking you have real sideburns. It works OK until the wind blows the hair strips straight out and you are left trying to explain the sudden disappearance of your “sideburns.” Avoid such embarrasment by giving time for the appropriate hormone levels to rise and simply grow the real thing.

Hair Tips for Girls. Fortunately for the reader, I am running out of space, so I will limit my advice to one tip: If you appear to be growing sideburns, there are over-the-counter topical creams that 99 percent of boys will appreciate you using. The 1 percent of boys who find sideburns on girls to be attractive would not make good husbands anyway, as they are likely to be on the road a lot as a featured attraction in Dr. Scream’s Traveling Freak Show.

Of course, if you are just plain short of time or don’t believe a word that I’ve written, you can forget all the hair stuff and work on what really matters: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).

What? The heart is more important than your hair? I guess I’d better not just brush that aside . . .

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You Are Your Hair

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