In honor of Valentine’s Day, Randy Fishell writes about dating.

Today I want to talk about a subject that we don’t often deal with in the pages of Guide: how to relate to a date. I will strive to handle this topic with utmost sensitivity and respect to all.

Having said that, here is a hard truth: some dates are downright scary-looking. One of my dates had skin so wrinkled that even a skilled Hollywood cosmetic surgeon would’ve considered a career change. The funny thing is, that date turned out to be one of the sweetest of all.

I don’t mean to brag, but I happen to know quite a bit about this subject. So you can believe me when I say that fresh dates are the best. That’s because they’re lower in calories than dried dates. Both varieties, however, are very high in fiber and potassium.

What most people don’t know is that all varieties of dates serve a function beyond that of being a nutritious fruit: they can help us remember certain vital information. This is not because dates contain memory-enhancing chemicals (or do they—I can’t remember), but because they are a perfect device for helping us recall important events.

Here’s an example for you. You are pushing the shopping cart for your beloved mother through the overloaded aisles of Goofy Al’s Supermarket. In aisle 3-B you spot the dates.

“Look, Mama!” you cry out. “It’s a one-pound package of Medjool dates from Coachella Valley, California!”

Knowing that you think dates are simply prunes with an attitude and taste much like sugar-coated bicycle tires, Mama scratches her head in bewilderment. You, on the other hand, are quickly recalling an important date in history.

Medjool . . . Medjool . . . Oh yeah! That variety stands for May Everyone Delight in the Judgment Of Our Lord. Based on Daniel 8:14, this “good-news-for-God’s-people” judgment period began in 1844!

Before your mother can question you, your eyes land on another package. “I can’t believe my eyes! They have Blonde dates in stock!”

Mama’s eyes grow narrow. “And I can’t believe Goofy Al would stoop to supplying blind dates for his customers!”

“Not blind dates; Blonde dates,” you gently correct.

“They’re the worst kind!” Mama cries.

But you do not hear this comment, because you are celebrating another memorization victory. Blonde: Better Leave Or be Neutralized by Destructive Enemies. That points to A.D. 70, when the Romans leveled Jerusalem just like Jesus said they would! I just love Blonde dates!

It’s the variety of date known as Sayer, however, that causes you to virtually sail throughout the supermarket on wings of heady joy.

Sayer: the Savior Ascends and Yahweh Embraces His Resurrected Son. God called Jesus home in A.D. 31! Wow, you think, where would I be without dates to help me remember all these important dates?

So now you see how this thing works. Get your friends involved and host a Teen Date Night where everyone brings a different variety and you practice memorizing dates together. (This is called “group dating.”) If your parents tell you that you’re too young to be with a date, either alone or in a group, politely disagree. Point out that dates are a really great way to help a person grow spiritually. As for having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, who needs one with all these dates to enjoy?

OK, that’s all I have time for right now. I need to get home. My wife and I have a . . . well, you know.