It’s Showtime!

First came the magazine, then the Web site. But what Guide really needs is a TV show, don’t you think?

Recently I learned about a British reality show called George in Pakistan. The cameras follow George around as he tries his hand at being a Pakistani. I know that sounds like hard-to-beat entertainment, but I think we can do even better.

Kevin in Adventistland will trace our hero’s adventures as he enters the wonderful and occasionally strange world of—you guessed it—Adventism. Here are a few excerpts from the pilot episode’s script:

Sabbath school leader: Welcome to the Boring Crossroads junior Sabbath school, Kevin. We hope you’ll enjoy sitting stiff as a wax dummy for the next one hour and 15 minutes as I, Mr. Flaplips, share uncanny insights on how to live the spiritual life. None of that ungodly high-energy stuff around here! (Pauses.) But first, tell us a bit about yourself.
Kevin: Um, well, I’m in the eighth grade and I like listening to my iPod—Sabbath school teacher: You have an iPod?
Kevin: Well, yeah, I—Sabbath school teacher: Isn’t that one of those little devices that plays music nobody else can hear, music that might include . . . drums?
Kevin: Yeah, sometimes—Sabbath school teacher: (Leaps to feet.) Young people! Such a thing is the devil’s device! (Opens Bible.) Luke 15:16 clearly states that the prodigal son longed for (reads from Bible) “the pods that the pigs were eating.” Pods are fodder for swine and sinners! (Turns to Kevin.) Boy, may God have mercy on you! (Clears throat.) Now I shall share additional uncanny spiritual insights, this time on the importance of properly interpreting the Word of God.

*     *     *

Kevin: (In cafeteria lunch line.) Thanks for inviting me to eat lunch at your school cafeteria, Jazzmyn.
Jazzmyn: Sure thing.
Kevin: Hey, it looks like they have one of my favorites—beef hot dogs!
Jazzmyn: Well, they’re not exactly beef.
Kevin: Really? So, what are they made from?
Jazzmyn: Um, soybeans.
Kevin: (Pauses.) Oh. Well, I wasn’t really hungry anyway. Maybe I’ll just have a glass of milk from that machine over there.
Jazzmyn: Well, it’s not exactly real milk.
Kevin: So, what’s it made from?
Jazzmyn: Um, soybeans.
Kevin: (Pauses.) Oh. Well, hey, supper’s not that far off.
Jazzmyn: We’re just having sandwiches.
Kevin: What kind?
Jazzmyn: Wham.
Kevin: (Startled.) What happened? Did you smash a fly?
Jazzmyn: Wham is the name of a food. It’s made out of soy—er, I mean, legumes.
Kevin: Cool—I’ve never had real French food.

*     *     *

Kevin: You Adventists sure seem to think going to church and eating good food and stuff like that is important.
Leon: Yeah, we’re kinda weird that way. But those aren’t the most important things.
Kevin: Really? I thought your church came first.
Leon: Not exactly, at least not for me.
Kevin: So what comes first for you?
Leon: Not what, but Who—Jesus.

Kevin probably has a better chance of becoming a genuine believer in Jesus Christ than George does of becoming a real Pakistani. Especially if Kevin runs into more Adventists like Leon.

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It’s Showtime!

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