So you’re into a new school year. Not too happy with your schedule? Here’s a lineup you may wish to suggest to your principal:

First period: Fizz Ed.

Knowing how to make your own soft drinks will prove a valuable skill when the national economy goes bust. You may even take the principles learned and create a new health beverage (although carbonated Soy Joy doesn’t sound all that appealing).

Second period: Trickonometry.

Here’s a class that makes algebra and physics look like ancient misery. Employing technology from the new field of teacher skullduggery detection, this class helps students learn how to quickly spot a trick question on any quiz or test.

Third period: Launch Break.

Oddly, some schools don’t own a cruise ship with a launch for short runs to nearby islands. In such cases, any form of small watercraft can be used. The important thing is to be careful! One slip and you’ll end up headfirst in some gorgeous tropical lagoon, where you’ll be tempted to stay for the rest of your life. But you have to get back to school for your next class. So like I said, be careful.

Fourth period: Contra-Band.

Feeling rebellious? Grab that saxophone or trumpet and start playing music backward, against all common sense. If your band instructor asks you why your playing suddenly sounds so much better, just say, “m’I gniyalp drawkcab.” She’ll think you’re a foreign language genius too.

So what do you think? Oops, you may have trouble doing that—thinking, that is. I sorta forgot to include anything that teaches you that particular skill. My bad. Think you really need it, though? Oh, there I go again. My bad.

Maybe you’d better stick with your current classes, especially if you’re in a Christian school. There you’ll gain “knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ” (Philippians 1:9, 10).

Gotta go. Can you sign my haul pass? I need to get where I’m going fast.