NICE TO BE ABLE TO RANT AGAIN ON AN AWFUL BOOK :’)
Last weeks book review was kind of refreshing because it was such a great book, but thankfully we’re back to weird age gaps and forced romances 😀
*sigh*
Let’s just right in. And also, since I burned the book, I only have one picture of one page which states the most trash lines I’ve ever read. Let’s dive in.
SPOILERS but you should NEVER read this book unless you want to feel the pain that I have.
So, Levi is like, “you know what, I should propose to this little girl who is 30 OR SO YEARS YOUNGER THAN MY SON.”
Yeah, I completely agree, Levi. And can we just talk about how they have never interacted in any romantic way? Like inside they are like “>////<” but they’ve never courted or went on a “date.” I know things were different back then, but even later in the book another character is apologizing for not being able to court someone he wants to marry right away, so at least in this book courting is a thing. Levi is literally going to ask for Miriam’s hand WHEN THEY’RE NOT EVEN SURE IF THEY’RE COMPATIBLE. Take out the fact that they’re related, take out the fact that he’s ALMOST 100 YEARS OLDER THAN HER, and they’re STILL not necessarily compatible! I could literally go on a rant about the reasons why they’re not compatible, and I’m literally tempted to write about relationship advice and talk about how you shouldn’t be like these two. Step 1, don’t go to the nursing home to find a husband!
But in all seriousness, I am scared of the author of this book. How could she write this and find it sweet? Having a hard time developing a relationship is one thing, having ALL of these problems is another.
Oh and also, I feel like in the book they’re trying to push in the narrative that Levi is feeling like God is telling him to propose to Miriam. No. That’s lazy writing honestly. Like, yeah, God okayed it, so I don’t actually have to put in the time to develop the relationship B)
Back to the plot, Levi goes to Miriam’s house and asks her to marry him.
YEP.
She’s like, “I thought I was a kid…” Me too Miriam, me too.
And then he’s like, “No, you’re a woman.”
*begins rapidly dialing 911*
She questions whether he loves her, and the book says that he gives her a “look so full of love that she could not mistake his sincerity.” (not a direct quote, paraphrasing)
PLEASE STOP.
THEN THEY KISS EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF HER PARENTS. BECAUSE ISN’T IT SO FUN TO WATCH YOUR DAUGHTER KISS SOMEONE OLDER THAN YOUR FATHER?
Book Reviews/Rants | Jochbed; Yawheh is Glory part 2
21 May 2019
Post By Maria
So after they get married *sigh* they have a girl named Jochebed.
But wait, I just… I need to rant on THIS a bit longer. Writing a romance story or even just a storyline in a bigger story is a daunting task. Let me give you some really helpful tips to help with this.
Read Jochebed; Yawheh is Glory.
Do the exact opposite.
It works every time.
Instead of having a HUGE age gap, try and make them closer in age.
Instead of having them be related, try to not make them related. I understand that in the Bible that’s kind of a thing, but if it’s not necessary don’t do that.
Instead of having NO chemistry or a connection, try and have them talk and have good conversations. Keep these even while they’re in a real relationship. Nothing better than reading your favorite couple talking to each other in their beautifully chemistric language. I don’t know what sentence I just wrote back there but I hope you understand.
Alright, so then Jochebed is a few years old and Levi dies. See… Miriam… this… THIS is one of the reasons why we were all yelling no! “but those few years we spent together were better than a long marriage with a guy who’s my age <3”
NO. Miriam don’t be stupid. Because of this Jochebed literally had to deal with her father dying while she was just a kid.
After about 10-15 years Miriam dies… which, wow she died pretty young. The fact that her 100-year-old husband only died 10-15 years before her *sigh*.
Jochebed is obviously… well, alone. Then her dear… nephew… *disappointed sigh* comes to… uh, comfort her.
I literally just reread this scene and I felt a DEEP… DEEP pain. I truly forgot how bad this was.
So basically he’s like… “Marry me, Auntie Jochebed.”
And then this is what she says (my comments will be in brackets as always).
“‘Amram, I’m your aunt, your father’s sister. We’re too closely related for us to marry. [HAHAHA REJECTED, we stan a girl who doesn’t like incest <3]’
‘You’re my father’s half-sister. [y’all he did his research for this… oof] Through both your parents you’re related to him a tiny bit more than a first cousin (53.1%) and you’re related to me a tiny bit more than a second cousin (26.6%) [HE REALLY DID HIS RESEARCH WOW]. Our ancestors Abraham and Sarah were half-brother and sister, so they were related the same as first cousins (50%) [SAY IT ISN’T SO]. Then Isaac was related to Rebecca through both his parents less than a first cousin (37.5%). Finally, Jacob and Leah were first cousins so they were also related (50%). We’re not as much related as any of those ancestors. Why can’t we marry? [._.]’
‘Is that a ‘yes’? You still haven’t said whether or not you love me [GO AWAY AMRAM]?
‘Of course, I love you! [smh] I just never thought of marrying you because you’re my nephew. [btw I just noticed that Charlotte forgets to put a quotation mark at the end of that. RIP. I’ll put it in for her]’ Jochebed looked into Amram’s eyes and was nearly blinded by the love he was offering her [I. I. I have no words, to describe how mad I am. Like. I’m smiling and laughing but I just want to scream and cry.] Shyly she lowered her gaze before continuing, ‘Now that you’ve explained how little related we really are, I want to marry you [ahh I’m taking notes on how to progress a relationship in a natural and beautiful way]. You’ve looked after me ever since Father died.’
‘I said I’d always loved you […grammar? I’d always loved you? What??]!’ Later neither could tell who took the first step, but in an instant Amram’s arms encircled his beloved […] and his kisses covered her eyelids, cheeks, and mouth.”
I STOPPED HERE BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE LAST SENTENCE.
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHAT.
Ok first off, two seconds ago she was like “I don’t want to marry you, little nephew of mine.” And then he’s like “…but, we’re not really that related. Only 26.6% Sweet Home Alabama don’t worry.” And then she says, “Oh, I see that I have been mistaking my deep love for you as my platonic love. Ok, also thanks for blinding me… I appreciate that.” And then he forgets how to grammar (Charlotte I see you) and then kisses her… eyelids? And cheeks? And mouth?
First off, is this even something that would be allowed in these times? Or like, looked upon positively? Nowadays I could see that being… accepted, I suppose, but this is a completely different time with completely different sets of rules.
SECOND OF ALL WHO KISSES EYELIDS?? WHAT?
THIRD OF ALL THIS IS A CHILD’S BOOK WHY IS THERE A… THIS KIND OF SCENE? I can’t even describe how out of nowhere this relationship came about. I mean, I guess you can see it in that HALF OF A PAGE but it’s even worse when you read the entire thing. The pacing could’ve been so much better.
EVERYTHING COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.
And that’s it. The rest of the book was not as bad as the romances, but honestly, nothing too great. So, my review of this book?
2/10
2 just because the rest wasn’t as bad as the romance. But wasn’t good.
