Straight Talk Success

I am about to do you all an incredible favor. If you’re like I used to be, you probably don’t know exactly what to say in certain situations. This includes those times when you wish to utter something terribly romantic to a certain someone. Well, if anyone can turn romance into something terrible, it is me, so pay close attention.

The key to getting your message across in any situation is something called “straight talk.” This is where you simply say what you mean. No risky nouns or verbs to clutter things up.

As an example, let’s say your mom sends you to the Safeless store for some oranges. When you first walk into the store, simply stop and shout with gusto, “OK, everybody—show me your navels!”

I guarantee this will bring instant results. And should the store happen to be out of navel oranges, thanks to your straight talk someone—perhaps even the store manager—will still rush over to meet you. I’ve even been told that some customers who have put this kind of straight talk into practice have actually been personally escorted out of the store. When was the last time you got that kind of personal attention?

As promised, we now turn to relationships with the opposite sex. (Sorry if I embarrassed you by using a certain word in the previous sentence. Next time I will use something besides “opposite.”)

Probably the fastest way to communicate affection is to comment on a memorable characteristic related to the person you are trying to woo. An example might go something like this:

Hairy: Hi, Kissy—I mean, Krissy.

Krissy: Hi, Scary—I mean, Hairy.

Hairy: Um, do you like chocolate?

Krissy (pleasantly surprised): Well, as a matter of fact, yes, I do!

Hairy: I thought you did, because last week I remember seeing the largest pimple on your forehead that I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t chocolate do that? Oh, you’ve had lots of smaller zits in the past and everything. I know, ’cause, well, I look at you a lot and. . .”

Notice how Hairy’s conversation is off and running based on his initial straight talk comments? Now the conversation may flow naturally to such items as how milk chocolate also depresses the immune system, which could explain why Krissy vomited in the hallway the previous week. You get the picture. One thing will lead to another, until someday Hairy will lead Krissy to the marriage altar. You could have similar success if you follow my insights regarding straight talk.

Now, for you girls, a young man’s personal hygiene habits are worth focusing on. Does the object of your affection regularly brush his teeth? use deodorant? wear clean socks? check his nostrils for offensive material? The answer is probably no, so you will have to use a unique blend of both compliment and hint in your straight talk. Examples of this might include “Just being near you takes my breath away, but that would change if you used some mouthwash” and “That shirt you haven’t tossed in the washing machine for over a month has hardened like concrete and makes you stand up so very straight and tall!” and “You have a handsome nose, but it snot gonna blow itself.”

Hey, I just went through this article again, and I’m not sure this straight talk stuff is really all that great. Sure, you want to communicate effectively, but could there be a better way? Is that what the Bible means when it uses phrases such as “Let your conversation be always full of grace” and “speaking the truth in love”?*

Well, I guess take everything I just said and do pretty much the opposite. Oh, sorry, please excuse that word again.


*Colossians 4:6; Ephesians 4:15

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Straight Talk Success

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