by Ernst Louis-Jacques

There was no TV news in the time of David. But if there had been, it might have sounded something like this . . .

REPORTER: Hi. This is Johnny reporting on the fighting in the Valley of Elah. Surprisingly, there has been no change of position from either side. It appears to be very silent on the battlefield.

Oh, wow. That must be the big dude I have been hearing about. That guy is huge! I think his name is Goliath.

Ha, the Israelites are sitting quietly around their tents not doing anything. One of the Israelite soldiers says that Goliath came up over the mountainside where the Philistine camp is about an hour ago. He says that not even their brave commander, Saul, dares to challenge the giant.

Here’s another Israelite soldier now. Let’s find out what he has to say. Hey, I have a question to ask you. Besides the obvious, why has no one tried to go fight the giant?

SOLDIER: You mean besides the fact that he is about three times the size of us and has a spear that probably weighs the same amount as me?

REPORTER: Exactly.

SOLDIER: Well, I guess he is just intimidating. I mean, I don’t think that anyone expected someone this big. Plus, have you heard his voice?

REPORTER: No, not yet. Why?

SOLDIER: Just try going over to the edge of this ridge, and you might hear him.

REPORTER: I sure will. Hey, do you know this young guy coming our way?

DAVID: What up, Eliab?

SOLDIER: What in the world are you doing here, David?

DAVID: Uh . . . well, Dad said I could come.

SOLDIER: Yeah, right. I know you, little brother. You just wanted to see the battle. Oh, and what about those sheep? Aren’t you their keeper?

REPORTER: We interrupt this sibling dispute for some brief advertising messages.

(Ad break)

REPORTER: We’re back with a live report from the front lines. The young shepherd, David, has asked to speak with King Saul.

DAVID: Hello, Saul. Why has no one gone out to fight Goliath? I mean, I thought your army was one of the best! If you all are wimps and don’t trust your God, let me go fight him.

SAUL: Listen, kid, who do you think you are? You are only 16 years old. But if you really want to–here, take some of my gear.

DAVID: Uh, Saul, I don’t think it’ll fit.

SAUL: Come on, just try it.

DAVID: Wow, I can’t fight with this stuff.

SAUL: Well, think of what your father would say if I let you go out there and get killed.

DAVID: I’ll be fine. I have my sling. Now all I need is some stones from the creek.

REPORTER: I’m following David as he heads toward the battlefront. Well, well, what does this kid think he’s doing? It looks like he’s grabbing some stones from the creek. Is he planning on fighting the giant with stones? Why doesn’t someone stop him? Well, he sure looks brave.

Now Goliath has started his cursing. What is he saying? What?! Did he just curse the God of the Israelites? Wow, that guy sure has nerve. As for David, he is basically telling the guy that he is going to give his carcass to the birds.

Oh, wait a moment. David is getting closer and is taking a rock and putting it into some weapon of his. It looks like a sling. Now he’s swinging the sling around his head. Faster and faster. There goes the stone! Wow, I can hear the giant groaning from here. He’s falling! The ground is shaking. Listen to the cheers.

Now David is running toward the fallen giant. What is he going to do now? OK, he is taking Goliath’s sword and . . . are you kidding me? He just cut off his head!

Well, I guess that’s over with. No, wait, the Israelites are running toward the Philistines with their weapons in the air. Ha, look at those Philistines run. Those cowards!

Quick, I’ve got to interview a soldier before they all leave in pursuit of the Philistines. Excuse me, sir, how do you feel about David now?

SOLDIER: Oh, you mean the brave young man who just won the victory?

REPORTER: Yes, sir.

SOLDIER: He’s awesome. What can I say? We won!

(Based on 1 Samuel 17.)