News flash: Many countries around the world are broke. This comes as a total surprise to some of you, because your attention has been fixed on things of much greater importance, such as how many truckloads of Clearasil it’s going to take to pave over that colossal zit on your cheek.
Others of you have noticed that your parents are working 25 hours a day six days a week plus Saturday nights, but you just figured it all had something to do with the 2012 Christmas wish list you gave them on December 26, 2011. After all, 500-inch plasma TV screens don’t come cheap.
But you really need to be aware of the trauma and upheaval taking place in the financial world. Here are some ideas to help preserve your wealth during this difficult period of earth’s history.
If you earn between $1 and $12 per year . . . This is considered a “lower income” bracket. This is because you are still in a lower grade. To preserve your money, I suggest you convert it all to quarters and buy bubble gum from the machine at Walmart. Your classmates may laugh at you now, but when you later sell the gum to them at ridiculous, inflated prices, you will really be giving them something to chew on. If they want to inflate the bubble gum themselves, you might give them a 10 percent discount.
If you earn between $13 and $1 million per year . . . For those of you who fall into this category, long-range planning is crucial. If your income is closer to the $13 level, you may wish to plan as far in advance as this evening. That way you’ll be sure to have enough shekels to pay for that root beer Popscicle you’ve had your eye on for so long. On the other hand, if you are bringing in several thousand dollars each week, planning will be different for you. You can plan on the FBI, the CIA, and several SDA fund-raisers dropping by very soon, so have refreshments ready.
If you own real estate . . . First you should keep in mind that real estate is worth a lot more than the fake stuff. Houses, building sites, shopping centers—if you own any of these, you are to be pitied. That’s because you’ve seen their value go down so far over the past year that you’d have to sell them at a loss, which would be a big win for your buyer. The good news is that you can finally pay off everyone to whom you owe money, which is probably the new owner of your real estate, which is the same bank that lent you the money to buy the shopping center in the first place.
If you own gold . . . Gold is a rock-solid investment, but the source of your gold is important. Did you sneak into your parents’ room at night, prop Dad’s mouth open with your iPod Stick, and remove the gold filling from his tooth? In such a case, you don’t need financial advice—you need a conscience.
Do you see what kind of problems come with having riches? That is surely why Jesus said: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy. . . . But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven” (Matthew 6:19, 20). So the best advice is not to think too much about the fact that your cash, gold, real estate, baseball card collection, or anything else you own is probably worthless as you read this.
And that’s my priceless advice regarding economic collapse. As I always say, you get what you pay for.