At the urging of my personal political advisor, who was out on bail at the time, I have decided to run for the position of chief justice of the United States Supreme Court. Since I have vast experience in judging others, I am a natural for this job.

You may be thinking, Are you crazy?

Set the obvious answer aside for a moment. One reason I feel called to pursue the path of justice is because I know some things about life at the Supreme Court that others don’t. For example, have you ever heard a TV newsperson say something such as “Justice Antonio Scallion has sat on the Supreme Court bench for the past 20 years”? Listen, I have seen a photo of the entire Supreme Court gang in their cushy workplace. Each of them has
his or her own ergonomically designed high-back chair! Bench—ha! And who could possibly sit in one spot for 20 years, anyway?

So greater transparency on the high court will be a primary focus during my first days as chief justice.

Here are some other areas I plan to address:

Government funding of teenagers’ allowance.
“Right now I can buy only 1,000 downloads per month for my laser engraved personalized iPod,” teenager Ignatius Bell was quoted as saying just before his case went to the Supreme Court. Bell had enlisted the services of the high-profile lawyer Wynn Bigg. Eventually joining Bell’s cause was the political activist group People for the Allowance Way.

In response, the government voiced their opposition via the grassroots group Let Ignatius Bell Earn Revenue Through Yardwork (LIBERTY).

The heart cry of Ignatius Bell rings in my ears even today. I remain astonished that lawyer Wynn lost, and as an unbiased chief justice I pledge to you that I will overturn the clearly wrong verdict in the case of LIBERTY vs. Bell.

Constitutional Amendment on Human Droning.

Having once been a teenager, I understand how tough it can be to remain conscious while Professor Feinstein waxes eloquent about how M+EC = two squares. Well, if you truly need a sleep aid, you should get a prescription, not a boring physics teacher. I will uphold any amendment to the U.S. Constitution that prohibits dull classroom lectures.

One physics teacher stated, “I try to make my class interesting by juggling electrically charged molecules while riding a unicycle.” We must lay the groundwork to produce many, many more teachers exactly like this one.

Put limits on activist judges.

Exercise is one thing, but some judges go too far. Skiing, weightlifting, jogging—the list of activities these judges are involved in seems endless. The problem is it makes the rest of us nonactivist types look bad. We feel guilty because they have lots of energy and big biceps, and we don’t. Accordingly, the influence of activist judges should definitely be limited.

Wow. The more I think about becoming a judge, the more I wonder if I’m really cut out for it. Maybe I should stop running for the Supreme Court and just keep on running Guide (although some would take issue with that latter part).

The more I think about it, who could possibly handle the job?

“It is I who judge uprightly” (Psalm 75:2).

Who said that? Oh, yes. There is Someone who gets it right every time. Better leave the judging to Him.

Well, I guess that means I’m off the campaign trail, which is probably good, since Supreme Court judges are appointed and not elected.

That needs to change, don’t you think? Maybe if I ran for Congress I could do something about that. Would I be a good politician? You be the judge Or not.