The annual meeting of the Society of Folks With 150-Pound Feet appeared to have just broken up. Attendees clomped and wobbled along as if the keynote speaker had just informed them that recent research had found their condition hopeless. But I soon learned that anybody wearing ski boots walks this way.
It gets worse once you actually strap on skis. I once cut 17 people off at the ankles by turning around to get back in the bunny slope line. You should see those people try to walk now.
The ski lesson helped a little. “Bend your knees,” our group’s tanned and attractive instructor, Vail Spandex, explained. I determined to follow her advice as soon as I could stand up without falling down.
How about that Alpine Ski Code? For those of you who don’t know about this very special set of ski slope guidelines, here’s rule number 4: “When skiing downhill or overtaking another skier, the skier below you has the right of way.”
As I understand it, when you are rocketing down a double black diamond slope at some 550 miles per hour, the person in front of you has the right to turn around, lift his or her hand, and cry out, “Stop right now—I was here first!”
Imagine the feeling of power you will experience by issuing such a command! An added advantage is the time off from school you will gain as a result of your lengthy hospital stay, the other skier having “overtaken” you with two quick stabs of his or her ski poles.
A better choice? Simply step aside. On the slopes, in school, or anywhere else, a me-first attitude usually ends with somebody getting hurt.
Finally, a word about ski lift tickets. You may wish to leave your lift ticket attached to your ski jacket zipper pull until sometime around the age of 40.
It will bring to mind details to share with your own teenagers about how you got those two perfectly matching scars, which are the diameter of ski poles.