At first glance you might think the term cryogenics is the study of why people shed tears. Wrong! It’s the branch of physics that deals with very low temperatures. Strangely enough, sometimes cryogenics involves freezing people right after they die. Really! These folks stay frozen in the hope that medical science will one day discover a way to bring them back to life. Really?

Just where one goes to obtain a degree in people-freezing is hard to answer, but googling “cold-blooded occupations” might get you some good results. If you can’t afford tuition to get formal training, you could find someone on Facebook who lives in the Arctic Circle. After they accept your friend request, ask them if you can come over and sleep outside their igloo a few nights wearing only a bathing suit. That way you’ll get a feel for the whole deal firsthand. Of course, between airfare and hospital bills incurred during your recovery, you might as well just go ahead and get a degree locally. It will pay for itself within a few centuries.

Dealing with a cryogenics salesperson is bound to be a colorful experience.

The Iceman: Welcome to The Deep Freeze. So what brings you in today?

Customer: I’ve been told that I have just three weeks to live.

The Iceman: Why, that’s just terrific—I mean, terrible! Fortunately for you, we’re running a special, a real hot deal.

Customer: Cool.

The Iceman: You will be.

Now, you may be wondering, Who besides a dying person would consider having themselves frozen? Anybody who wants to know they’re going to heaven, that’s who! The only difference is that in this case you have to be frozen before you die. Here’s how it works.

You may have heard that you’ve gotta be really good to get through the pearly gates. But you’re pretty sure that, well, you’re just not good enough. You’re always skipping your personal devotions and playing too many computer games and eating between meals—why, you’re practically hopeless! But not anymore, thanks to cryogenics.

It’s simple, really, though it may take a few days. All you need to do is grit your teeth and try as hard as you can to become a really, really good person—maybe even perfect. Then, right when you know you’re finally good enough to please God, you have yourself frozen! No more guilt about skipped devotions or having to resist that late-night bowl of choco-cherry ice cream. You’re a frozen pillar of godliness, guaranteed to one day inherit a heavenly mansion! Just remember: once you reach the perfect point, you need to do the deep-freeze thing real quick, because you never know how soon the perfection might wear off.

Since this is a religious magazine, I should probably tell you that the Bible doesn’t say much—OK, anything—about suspended sinning and frozen salvation. Instead, it says: “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves” (1 John 1:8). And then the same author had the audacity to write: “God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son” (1 John 5:11). Finally, he makes this astonishing claim: “I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life” (verse 13).

So we can be less than spiritually perfect and still know that we’re going to be in heaven? Why, if what the Bible says is true, that’s enough to make a person want to run out and serve their Savior the rest of their unfrozen lives!

But then, who are you gonna believe: me or the Bible? That’s what I was hoping you’d say. Just forget the deep-freeze gig and instead praise Jesus for taking the heat for you on Calvary.