Gray Matters

“I really like the Good Humor Guy,” a kid told me recently. “Your corny jokes are funny.”

Corny jokes? I thought. He doesn’t know the meaning of the term!

This is a corny joke:

Teacher: The great poet Robert Burns wrote “To a Field Mouse.”

Student: I wonder if the mouse ever wrote back . . .

This is true, nongenetically modified corniness, and don’t you forget it, although I am sure you want to.

Unlike the above, the fine literary pieces that I craft for this column are simply my humble attempt to pass along morsels of the vast wisdom that I possess. I have coined the term “mental trephination” to describe such uncanny brainpower, and I consider it a privilege to share gems from my MT mind.

Thanks to my parents, I can pinpoint exactly when I started showing signs of being a genius. They said I was really smart-mouthed as a teenager. At this revelation I hugged Mom and Dad. “You both had a lot to do with it, I’m sure,” I affirmed.

Believe it or not, you may be a genius and not even know it. Here are a couple of ways to tell whether or not you have super-mental potential.

Lower Brainstem Reactivity Test.

Arrange yourself comfortably on a bed of nails. How would you describe the sensation you are experiencing? Any response other than “mind-numbing pain” suggests that you may have a cerebral glitch.

Spatial Reasoning Test.

Stand with your feet apart and arms tied behind your back. Have someone call out, “Fall forward!” How did you respond? If you heeded the command, you are likely not very bright. If, however, you told the person to consider jumping in a nearby lake, this demonstrates that you understand the relationship between the distance you would have fallen and your nose. You are definitely a really spatial person.

Of course, if you really want to know that your head contains the bright stuff, cogitate on this: “For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding” (Proverbs 2:6).

Nothing corny about that.

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Gray Matters

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