By now you probably know that I am not in favor of Guide-age persons “dating.” Still, the time will eventually arrive when you wish to begin sleuthing out a special person with whom to spend the rest of your life, someone whom we shall call a “prime mate,” which should not be confused with a “primate,” unless you happen to be a rhesus monkey.

Unless you begin now to change your ways, some of you male types are going to be attracting a lot more flies than females.

What follows should not be confused with “dating advice.” Rather, these tips are set forth to help young men avoid someday being viewed as having approximately the same romantic appeal as a stinky dumpster.

Getting the Edge
First, let’s face the truth about, well, your face. You will have to trust me on this one, guys—fuzz looks way better on a pair of dice dangling from a 1957 Chevy rearview mirror than it does hanging off your chin. Until those sporadic wisps of fur gain full status as whiskers, lop them off on a regular basis, lest someone think you haven’t washed your face since last Fourth of July.

Another topic worth mentioning is clothes, since most guys wear them, with the exception of those dwelling in such places as deep in the Amazon rain forest, where you are unlikely to be reading Guide.

Listen to me: forget the designer labels. You do not want to strike up a long-term relationship with a woman who utters comments such as, “Bryce, I am totally repulsed by your classic features and rock-solid moral character, but your Abracadabra & Flinch jeans are what really count.”

These kinds of females need professional counseling, not a boyfriend.

A final area we need to look into is your underarms, although I would hardly consider it a scenic view.

Please use some common scents here, or go for one of the more unique products on the market—Better Than Wetter, Pit Stop, or Smell Swell. Unlike beer, cigarettes, and okra, in the case of deodorant something is better than nothing. The brand isn’t as important as whether or not it gets the job done. You will be able to tell rather quickly, as someone may actually sit or stand within 20 feet of you for the first time all school year.

Indeed, follow through on this aspect, and after you’re married your wife may quote from Song of Songs 8:3, adding her own special touch: “‘His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me’ . . . and I don’t smell a thing!”

And you want the following beautiful words to refer to your love, not your body odor: “It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. . . . Rivers cannot wash it away.”*

Oh, we haven’t covered acne, but you may wish to do so. Just make sure the paint will eventually come off without leaving too much permanent damage.

Someday God’s gift of love is likely to come your way. Cherish it, keep it pure, and be sure and use twice as much deodorant on your wedding day. You’ll want your bride standing closer than 20 feet away.

*Song of Songs 8:6, 7.