Book Reviews | Jochebed; Yahweh is Glory

Alright so I realized that these book reviews have to have spoilers in them. So remember guys…
SPOILERS are about to be shown. SPOILER ALERT
lol ok… so remember when I was mad about the whole romance thing in Song of Eve?
I’m also mad about this book’s romance. Now look, before I continue, I’m not the best romance writer either. But… I just, I try to keep it slightly sane. This book….
I don’t even know anymore lol. By the way, I just reread this book to remember the details, since I haven’t read it in about a few months, and all of the sudden, I felt really disgusted and uncalm. Guess this book just doesn’t give me a break…
So the romance was TERRIBLE. I’ll just flat out say it. Both romances made me mad. June Strong wrote romance better than this author, Charlotte V. Groff. At least June Strong made me slightly like Ardiel and Shaina, and then I remembered that Ardiel is Shaina’s uncle, and it made me think of my uncle, and how weird that would be, and I couldn’t handle it. Like, I don’t get why these Christian writer’s always have to throw in something that makes me feel queasy…
Shaina and Ardiel would have been really cute… but then he’s her uncle so that made me feel uncomfortable.
And this new couple that like hits you in the first chapter… I mean the chapter title is “Leader Takes a Wife”.
So I’m reading this in a long car ride, some nice Christian music being played, and very relaxed as you can imagine. Of course, these books apparently don’t like the fact that I can relax, and make me un-relaxed. And I realize that I take these things too far, I just strongly dislike when these Christian authors try to (1) make huge age gaps between lovers, (2) make men and/or women seem way to perfect for each other than possible (normally men are the seemingly romantic poets tho), (3) make them relatives. I ALWAYS SEE THIS. THEY HAVE LIKE THESE WEIRD OBSESSION WITH THESE THINGS.
This couple takes a new low, and makes both 1, 2, and 3 a perfect freak-LolingforJesus-out couple. Enough, let’s get to the couple. Levi and Miriam. So I was really confused at first, thinking that Miriam is Moses’ sister, but it’s apparently Moses, Miriam, and Aaron’s grandma. Levi is the one you know from the Bible, Joseph’s brother. See where this is going? Yeah.
Prepare yourselves. Let me show you a little exert from the book. Same routine with theses [], I’ll be skipping a few sentences with the … periods, and also this is from the very first page… so you’ll see how alarmed I was at how low this was starting.
“‘Time for my morning walk,’ thought Levi, Leader of the Hebrews living in Egypt…. He was tall, straight, and muscular in spite of his 120 [sigh] years. Only the thick, silvery hair framing his handsome, clean-shaven face suggested that he was an older man [so here Charlotte is explaining why Levi is going to get married to such a young girl… like come on, we see clearly what you are doing…]. Wistfully, his eyes sought the house next door. ‘I saw my nephew’s daughter, Miriam, building a fire in their oven a while ago. [I’m going to be narrating what I thought during these next few sentences.] Maybe I’ll get a word with her while I’m out [well ok, that’s fine. I’m calm.] Since Naomi died last year, I miss talking to my wife. [and how is this related to Miriam – wait… no, I’m sure Charlotte wouldn’t do that.] Of course, Miriam isn’t for me, because she’s young enough to be my great-granddaughter. [*heart starts beating faster*] Every time she looks at me and smiles, she makes me wish [WHAT WHAT WHAT??? NO. PLEASE CHARLOTTE. HAVE MERCY. PLEASE!] – forget that [please do… like for the rest of the book…]! I saw Simeon’s grandson over there yesterday. I’m sure Miriam will marry and leave home very soon. At least I can see what she’s doing this morning [NO YOU CREEP. SHE’S LIKE YOU GRANDCHILD. DON’T GET FEELINGS FOR HER… well, at least she doesn’t have feelings for him, so nothing will happen… right?]. Hopefully Levi walked pass Miriam’s home, but no one was out. ‘I’m too late,’ he regretted. ‘Maybe I’ll get a word with her tomorrow.’ His straight shoulders sagged a bit as he continued his solitary walk down the street [I’m pretty sure this is supposed to make me feel sorry for him, but I just sighed out of relief so…]…. [now we’re in Miriam’s world, where she is baking bread and now we get to see how beautiful she is.] Her long, dark hair curled about her lovely face and hung down to her shoulders [wait, does that mean your bread’s special ingredient is hair, since you don’t have it up?] where it complimented her pleated, yellow linen robe. She made a stunning picture as she reached the kitchen door. A moving object far away up the street caught her attention, and she recognized the tall, white-haired figure of Levi returning from his walk. ‘I hope Uncle Levi sees me, and comes over to visit [this is the moment my heart stopped beating],’ she thought. ‘He looks at me a l-o-n-g [I know how to spell long, thank you very much, AND WHAT ABOUT LOOKING AT YOU A LONG TIME??] time whever we meet, so I always smile and look back at him, but he never says anything romantic [WELL HE BETTER NOT, BECAUSE I HAVE A PHONE, AND I CAN CALL THE COPS IF NEEDED.] I want him to notice what a grown woman I’ve become [sigh]. Since Aunt Naomi died, he needs a wife to make a home for him [I agree, there are plenty of nice 80-90 year old ladies that should be perfect!]. I wish he’d choose me [no.]. What can I do to encourage him? [YOU DARE!!]”’
So then she cuts some bread and puts jam on it, and gives it to him. They both are kind of awkward, considering all these crazy thoughts in their heads. And I thought I was weird. Anyways, he tries to smooth things over by calling her a child, and she’s super offended by that. She runs off to her room crying, and obviously her dad is concerned.
“Joel, standing near the door, had heard what his uncle said, but he was totally unprepared for Miriam’s reaction [same here, Joel.] ‘What is the matter, Daughter?’ he asked kindly. ‘Surely Uncle Levi was pleased with the food!’
‘Yes, he was pleased,’ cried Miriam, ‘but he thinks I’m a child [well yeah.. because you are.]. I’m a woman-old enough to be his wife [WHO SAYS THIS TO THEIR DAD IS MY QUESTION] and to love him forever-and-and he doesn’t even know I exist!’ With a sob Miriam rushed from the room while her father stared after her in amazement [see, Idk why, but as a parent, I would protest to this… in more ways then one. Also, yeah Miriam, you are totally acting like a mature woman right now…].”
So she does her little “grown-up” girl act, and then cries. Matureness (this is a word) at its finest. So they talk after she’s done crying, and he asks her if the reason she’s been rejecting men is because she “loves” Levi. She says yes, and they begin talking about that possibility. Turns out Levi is her father’s grandfather’s half brother, aka he’s a descendant of either Joseph or Benjamin. So yay, we’ve managed to have a biological relation, a HUGE age difference, considering he’s old enough to be her great grandfather, and the “romance” they are having so far is cheesy. Charlotte has gained a new low! Impressively disgusting!
So then Joel talks to Kohath [Levi’s son… ugh so awkward] about Miriam’s little crush. He’s obviously shocked, but sadly puts on a calm demeanor and says he would be proud to have her as his great-grandma. He says he’ll talk to Levi about it. Wow, why does this just sound like a teenage girl asking her guy friend to ask her crush’s guy friend whether or not the crush likes her back?
Anyways, this conversation goes down.
“‘Father,’ he [Kohath] called, ‘may I come in?’
‘Oh, it’s you, Kohath, enter and welcome [who were you expecting… Levi?],’ answered Levi. ‘I’m just finishing my bowl of soup. I don’t cook as often as I once did [nice to know.]. Food doesn’t taste good when you eat it all alone [I beg to differ, Levi! Also… wow you’re really smooth with the hints Charlotte (author).].’
‘I know you miss Mother,’ soothed Kohath. ‘Have you thought of hiring a housekeeper?’ [Ok but like… don’t you guys have work to do? I thought you were Egyptian slaves? Who else even forgot what was going on…?]
‘I don’t want a hired housekeeper! I need someone I can love who will be my wife and make a home for me [CHARLOTTE!].’
‘Have you found anyone you want to marry?’
‘Oh, I’ve found her all right [NO YOU HAVE NOT], but she doesn’t want me,’ sighed Levi. ‘She’s young and beautiful and has several young men trying to marry her [WHY DON’T YOU JUST SCREAM MIRIAM?]. She’s the only woman I’ll ever love [yeah that’s what you told Naomi…]. Since I can’t have her, I wont marry anyone.’
‘Have you told her how you feel?’
‘No, but I’ve given her some long looks lately [ok that doesn’t sound weird at all…], and she always smiles back at me. She loves me like a great-grandfather. She’s always fixing special dishes and doing little things for me. I’m afraid I’d just make her sad if she knew that I want to marry her [again, why don’t you scream MIRIAM?].
‘Did she give you some fresh bread with date jam and cheese the other day?’
‘How did you know that? Why–how did you know who she is [maybe because you clearly described almost every detail about her…]?’
‘I have eyes and ears [LOL seriously though!]….'”
So they go on to talk about Miriam. Eventually Kohath TALKS LEVI INTO ASKING MIRIAM’S FATHER IF HE CAN MARRY MIRIAM.
At this point, my earbuds had already fallen out of my ears, but I didn’t care. My eyes were fixated on this. Then I rolled down the car window, and threw the book out.
Jk lol, but I wish I would have. I put the book down and ranted to my parents. By then my Mom was pretty mad. I was really curious where this was going, however, so I kept on reading.
My mistake.
This is already getting long enough, so I’ll put a part 2 of this. There’s a lot to say about this book… -_-

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Book Reviews | Jochebed; Yahweh is Glory

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