Baseball season has arrived. Sports-loving teens pray that an opposing player will blast the ball in their direction. The fame that accompanies a game-saving diving catch can sometimes last more than 15 minutes, or until someone points out that you have a blade of grass protruding from your right nostril, whichever comes first.
But what if you happen to be a teen whose greatest athletic achievement consists of surviving PE class with several of your limbs still attached to your body?
Do not despair! The Good Humor Guy has a secret plan to keep your teetering self-esteem from falling over the upper-deck railing.
Let’s say Tucker Manly has just singled, moving Kimba Running to second base and Brandon Biceps to third. And guess who’s coming up to bat? That’s right—you, “Automatic-Out Angus.” Ha, that’s what they think. What’s really going to happen is this: you’re going to rattle the pitcher with phrases drawn from your own area of expertise.
Here are some verbal zingers to get you started:
Are you a biology whiz? Yell “Watch out—there’s a huge cryptantha pterocarya behind you!” The hurler will think you’re warning them about a killer dinosaur instead of a brain-dead plant.
If algebra is your thing, throw the thrower off balance with a mind-blowing problem: “The square of the radius of that orb in your hand is equal to the coefficient of the equation 2X+Y=Z!”
And if your English grade is way high, point far away and scream, “Look—someone’s dangling a participle out in left field!”
You get the idea, and you’re bound to get on base. But if for some reason the plan fails and you still manage to strike out and cause your team to lose the game, just remember these words of England’s former leader Sir Winston Churchill, who probably wouldn’t have recognized a baseball if he caught one by mistake: “Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage that counts.”
Get in there and take your cuts.