Boring is usually not the word you want to associate with summer vacation, unless you happen to live in the Oregon town bearing that name. Still I’ll bet even life in Boring can get boring if you don’t have anything to do. I’m talking about a tear-producing state of inactivity that has you cruising full-throttle toward the edge of insanity.
Fortunately, I can help save you from such a regrettable journey, no matter where you live. The secret to a once-in-a-lifetime action summer is found in taking up roller skating.
Ha-ha! you’re thinking, I thought he said “roller skating”! Isn’t that funny? Ha-ha!
Your ears may indeed be filled with repulsive wax, but you nevertheless heard correctly: roller skating.
Look, why waste thousands of dollars on, say, a cruise to the Cayman Islands when you can pay a few bucks, travel the same distance, and not even leave the room? Why, by the time you’ve made your 1,247th loop around the rink, you might even have earned enough bonus miles to take a free trip to the pizza counter!
But in my excitement I’m getting ahead of myself. Some of you may have never been to a roller-skating rink. For you, we continue our introductory adventure.
The first thing you will need to do when you walk into the skating facility is to rent some roller skates. You must set aside the fact that the last person to wear those very same skates carries a foot fungal disease for which there is no known cure. Invest complete trust that Carson the cute counter teen has just sprayed the interior of the skates with Dr. Toby’s Maximum Strength Gross-B-Gone. Occasionally the product is not completely effective, in which case your toes will fall off. If this happens, you may be entitled to a refund, though it probably won’t be enough to cover the cost of prosthetic feet.
With skates fully laced, you next attempt to make your way over to the main skating floor entry point. A full suit of body armor is probably best for this endeavor, but it can be a bit costly. The cheaper alternative is to plan a late-night stop at your local pharmacy to pick up painkilling medication and tasteful makeup for covering the many ghastly cuts and bruises you will suffer throughout the evening. Either way, you may wish to time these early falls in rhythm with the beat of the eardrum-rupturing music that is flooding the skating floor—beat, fall, beat, fall.
From a distance this looks very much like you are a totally hip and funky person capable of busting skate dance moves beyond belief, when in reality you are busting your lip on the low wall separating the snack area from the skating floor.
There are two main goals in the matter of roller skating. The first is to try to stay upright; the second is to try to fall down near a very attractive person of the opposite sex in the hope that they will help lift you to your feet.
Now, about those couple of skaters who whisk effortlessly by you, getting in several laps to each one of yours. These individuals belong to the subspecies skaterus irritatus, and they are at every roller skating rink. Avoid the temptation to throw nails in front of them—these persons will only leap and dance over and around the pointy deterrents, adding to your bad attitude. After all, it’s just possible these people actually spent a ton of time perfecting their skating talent. Maybe they’re really not showing off; maybe they’re simply doing something they love to do, and something God loves seeing them do.
Now that I think about it, I guess there are probably at least a few other ways besides roller skating to quash your boredom. In fact, maybe there are a few thousand—or million—ways. Just choose something that you think you’d love to do and that you’re pretty sure would please God. Believe it or not, He likes to see you having fun.
Now, a word about stopping. It all depends on the situation. If you really want to turn heads, quickly tip down the front of your right skate while continuing to plow full speed ahead with your left skate. This combination produces what many call the “slingshot effect.” This is where half of your body is propelled full-force down the length of the skating rink while the other half remains firmly implanted at the point where you tipped your toe. A full recovery takes several weeks, but that’s just the price skating legends have to pay.
Finally, it’s always best to go roller skating with a friend. That way, “if either of them falls down, one can help the other up” (Eccesiastes 4:10).
Yeah, I too was surprised to discover they had roller skating advice back in Bible times.