Today’s topic is rather sensitive, so I will ease into it gently.

One of you out there stinks. Maybe it was your midnight snack of leftover garlic bread and Uncle Pete’s Power Pickles, I don’t know. But the point is, your breath would stop a mortar round in midair.
It’s possible that people have dropped hints and you’ve simply missed them. If your classmates have been saying things such as “I’ve gotta step outside and get a breath of fresh air” or “I see Scope is on sale at Martin’s Supermarket this week,” take note. Another sign of a problem is your homeroom teacher passing out clothespins each morning to everyone except you. Of course, the most certain evidence is your homeroom teacher simply passing out.

But more than likely, you don’t even know you have a problem. Trust me, everyone within a 300-yard radius of your mouth knows. You may have even mown some of those 300 yards last summer. Well, if you want to keep your customers, listen up.

Fortunately, there are simple solutions to improved oral hygiene. One is to carry a personal fan with you at all times and simply blow the fumes back to where they came from. But this is impractical in, say, Minneapolis during the winter months, which is pretty much year-round.

Instead, I recommend a three-step process:

1. Brush your teeth every morning and evening. Use a toothbrush or a small barrel cactus, whichever gets the job done.

2. Floss regularly. I use mint-flavored, waxed floss, which hardly makes the experience pleasurable but is easier on the gums than kite string or baling twine.

3. Rinse with mouthwash. You can make your own from green bean juice and pineapple, but I wouldn’t. Buy a ready-made mouthwash instead (Gunk-B-Gone and Scum Tamer are two lesser-known brands.)

When you overhear the following spoken about you, you can be confident that your goal has been reached: “The fragrance of your breath [is] like apples” (Song of Solomon 7:8).

Ah, how sweet it is!